He Will Make Them Light

I've been thinking lately about the word "burden" as it is used to describe hard things in our lives. Before this summer I always assumed it was a figurative term. I now know that at times it can be quite literal. I had never before experienced the crushing weight of true grief. I didn't know it was actually possible to feel like you were carrying a heavy weight upon your shoulders or like something heavy was sitting on your chest. These days the physical burden is not so great. It's more an emotional burden, although occasionally in the hard moments the physical weight returns. I know that the burden of grief eases with time but most importantly through the Atonement of our Savior. I know it is only through His healing power that I function as well as I do. I know it is my relationship with Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father that allows me (most of the time) to view this trial for what it is--a chance for growth and sanctification. It is only through the healing power of the Atonement that I feel any sort of peace about this situation.

I'd like to share with you a message from Elder Holland. My mom shared this talk with me which was given at a CES conference in 2000. We are greatly blessed to be led by men such as him.

"In spite of life's tribulations and as fearful as some of their prospects are, there is help for [us] on this journey. When Christ bids [us] to yield, to submit, to obey the Father, He knows how to help [us] do that. He has walked that way, asking [us] to do what He has done. He has made it safer. He has made it very much easier for [our] travels. . . To succor means 'to run to.' Christ will run to [us], and is running even now, if [we] will but receive the extended arm of his mercy.

To those who stagger or stumble, He is there to steady and strengthen us. In the end He is there to save us, and for all this He gave His life. However dim our days may seem, they have been a lot darker for the Savior of the world. As a reminder of those days, Jesus has chosen, even in a resurrected, otherwise perfected body, to retain for the benefit of His disciples the wounds in His hands and in His feet and in His side--signs, if you will, that painful things happen even to the pure and the perfect; signs, if you will, that pain in this world is not evidence that God doesn't love you; signs, if you will, that problems pass and happiness can be ours. It is the wounded Christ who is the Captain of our souls, He who yet bears the scars of our forgiveness, the lesions of His love and humility, the torn flesh of obedience and sacrifice."

Saucy Giveaway

My friend Amy and I are proud to announce the birth of our new website www.saucycreations.com!

To celebrate our new arrival we are having a giveaway. Enter our contest for a chance to receive a $50, $30 or $20 Saucy Gift Card to be used at www.SaucyCreations.com. A random drawing to determine the winners will be held on Monday, November 10, 2008. Here is how you can enter:

1. Register as a new customer (click here) and you will receive 1 entry.

2. Send an email to your friends and family telling them about this Saucy Giveaway and receive 1 entry for each email address you send it to. Be sure to send it to us too (giveaway@saucycreations.com) so we can calculate your entries. We will not use or sell any email addresses forwarded to us.

3. Post about our new website on your blog and include this link http://www.saucycreations.com/login.php to our giveaway and you will receive 15 entries. Please email us at giveaway@saucycreations.com with the link to your blog to receive your entries. Private bloggers will have to invite us using the email address orders@saucycreations.com.

4. Create a link to www.saucycreations.com on the sidebar of your blog and you will receive 25 entries. Please email us at giveaway@saucycreations.com with the link to your blog to receive your entries.

5. Email us a picture of your child with a Saucy item to be used in our Photo Gallery and you will receive 25 entries. Please send your photos to gallery@saucycreations.com.

6. Make a purchase at www.saucycreations.com and receive 50 entries.

Good luck!

A Bump in the Road

So it's my birthday. I usually really love my birthdays. Not so much today. And I've decided to tell you why. I debated for a long time whether or not to blog about my experience this summer (details to follow). I didn't want to be one of those people that put ultra-private things on a public blog for no reason. I've decided I have reasons enough: 1. I think it might help/force me to think through things a little better; 2. There might be someone out there who could benefit from what I have learned/am learning; 3. My kids or grandkids may benefit from this information someday. So there it is. You're stuck hearing my story (complete with all the ugly details) unless you choose not to read on, which I wouldn't blame you for because it's long.

If someone had asked me five years ago what my life would be like now I could never have imagined this. My life had always gone exactly how I planned it. I was of the belief that if you worked hard and did what was right you could essentially procure for yourself the life that you always wanted. Man, was I naive! Heavenly Father had other things in store for me and lessons that I apparently could not learn in the cocoon of my perfect life.

We have been trying to have another baby for 3 1/2 years. I will give you the very shortened version of our journey. After much prayer we decided to do in vitro fertilization in January. I was certain that it would work because I felt prompted to do it. After a severe complication we had to freeze our embryos. We transferred three embryos in March and didn't get pregnant. We transferred the last embryo in May and it worked. Finding out I was pregnant was my best day in recent memory. I thought my nightmare had finally ended. Then at 11 weeks pregnant, while in Bear Lake with my family, I had a miscarriage.

There is really no way to adequately express what I felt in the few days following my miscarriage. I had never experienced something like this before. I couldn’t understand how this could possibly be Heavenly Father’s plan for our family. Why would He deny me this righteous desire? Why would He allow me to get pregnant at all to just take it away a couple of months later? I even remember remarking to my sister-in-law that I wasn’t worried about a miscarriage because that would just be too cruel and I couldn’t imagine that would happen after everything I had been through. Again, how naive of me! Telling my kids that the baby had died was one of the worst things I have ever had to do. They had been praying for this blessing nearly as long as we had. Grace was crushed and immediately burst into tears. I don’t think she really knew how to process the information. I didn’t, and still don’t, know how to explain to an eight-year-old how Heavenly Father could give us this blessing only for it to be taken away a few weeks later. But, as kids do, they recovered quickly and became concerned for me more than anything else.

I’m not even sure where to start in recording the myriad of emotions I have been through in the last three months. Mostly I find myself trying to make sense of my suffering. Surely there must be a reason. There must be something I’m supposed to learn or become as a result of this experience. It can’t just be suffering for suffering’s sake. What I have discovered is that this is something I mostly have to carry on my own. This is not something I can share very well with anyone. I try to share it with Devon and my mom and an occasional friend, which helps, but it is a personal grief. I’m the only one who carried this baby. I’m the only one who felt connected to it from the moment I knew I was pregnant. I’m the one who felt the changes in my body and I’m the one who felt the emptiness when it was gone.

I read a lot of things about suffering and trials and how the Savior carries you in times of difficulty and I know this to be true. But I have a hard time knowing how to let him carry my grief. I know that this experience can mold me into the person I’m meant to be. I just wish it didn’t have to be so painful. I wish there was hope of another pregnancy. I wish I knew how to remain faithful in the face of such difficulty. I fear that I’m somehow failing this test and not learning what I’m supposed to. At the same time realizing that I just have to press forward and trust the Lord to tell me what I need to know. But it's not easy.

I know that I have innumerable blessings for which to be grateful; however, the withholding of this one blessing can easily overshadow the rest. I have to be careful to not let myself forget all the things I do have.

So there you have it. Way more information than you were expecting from a birthday post. Fair warning to you all--this will not be the last you hear of my feelings about this. I just really feel the need to put it out there. Luckily for me I know a lot of wise people and I'm sure you all will help me find my way through this trial.

Tattered Ladies Boutique

If you're looking for a place to do some Christmas shopping Saucy Creations is participating in a boutique this weekend at Val Vista and Southern. It will be Thursday and Friday from 10-7 and Saturday from 10-5. The exact address is 3745 E. Hopi Ave. There will be all kinds of stuff to buy including some really cute furniture. If you can't make it this week not to worry, we will be doing several more boutiques through Oct and Nov. Hopefully we'll see some familiar faces!

I'm it

I was tagged by my friend Annette. Sorry, you have to read about how boring I am.

8 shows I watch:
Grey's Anatomy
The Amazing Race
Survivor
House
Private Practice
Project Runway
The Biggest Loser
So You Think You Can Dance

8 favorite restaurants:
Matta's (so sad the old time version isn't around anymore)
Cracker's and Co.
Lichee Inn (best Chinese ever--in Tempe)
Rigatony's
Costa Vida
China Lily (best Chinese in Provo)
Nielsen's Frozen Custard
Cracker Barrel

8 things that happened yesterday:
Partied at my Ward Campout at Camp Lomia
Ate a tasty roast beef sandwich at Arby's
Took a long nap
Went to ASU Institute to hear Dr. Daniel Peterson from BYU speak on Islam and the LDS Faith (This was awesome! He's coming again in February and you're all invited. I'll let you know when.)
Sent out an email begging for parent volunteers for our PTO dinner on Monday
Watched Survivor with Devon
Profusely thanked my friend Heather for preparing sharing time and sharing it with me

8 things I'm looking forward to:
Jury duty on Thursday (I'm really dreading it but I had to put it on here so you all would know to feel sorry for me. I tried to get out of it but they didn't think my excuse was good enough.)
My birthday on the 19th
The holidays
The Primary Program because it's always nice to get it over with
That's all I can think of--that's pitiful

8 things on my wish list:
a baby
a baby
a baby
a baby
a baby
a baby
a baby
a baby
(I know--also pitiful. But that's really all I want.)

8 people I'm tagging:
Rachel, Amanda, Brittany, Trisha, Kisha, Erica, Jenny K, Julianne

So You Think You Can Dance

Have you ever wished you could get rid of your inhibitions and just let your body do its' thing? Well, here's some inspiration:

Handbag Giveaway

Follow this link and enter to win a free handbag:

http://www.handbagplanet.com/contest2.php

Are You Speedy?

79 words

I've fallen off my pace a bit. One summer when I was home for BYU I was a relay operator for the hearing impaired. I sat in a big room full of cubicles at a computer. When a hearing impaired person needed to call a hearing person (and vice versa) they would call me. I would call the person they wished to speak to and then the hearing impaired person typed on their TTY (a little computer hooked to their phone) and I would read what they said to the other person. Then I would have to type in real time what the other person said back. It was really fun but I had to type 80 words per minute (by the end of the summer I was much faster after so much practice) and I also had to read exactly what was typed--I have never said so many bad words in my life! The other great thing about the job was that when I didn't have a call I could do whatever I wanted at my little cubicle. I read tons of books and finished two cross stitches--all while being paid!

Typing Test