Angels Among Us

One of my favorite talks from the most recent General Conference was given by Elder Holland. He talked about the influence of angels both mortal and immortal in our lives. I'm surrounded by angels. I don't always realize it in the moment, but it's true. My patriarchal blessing promises me this and I often forget to watch for the evidence.

I know that I have at least two heavenly angels--my Nana and my Uncle Kent. I have occasionally remarked that maybe the reason I don't have my baby yet is because Nana can't let him go. She was a really good squeezer. It's actually comforting to think that if I can't be loving on my baby maybe she is.

But I also have earthly angels. The first is my husband. Don't get me wrong, he drives me crazy just like every good husband, but he is the most patient, loving man. When I first came back from Idaho after the miscarriage it was a little rough. I was difficult to deal with because I wasn't the most emotionally stable person. But he was patient and has supported me when I've needed it.

The second angel is my mother. My dad's great too but there's something about a mother in this situation that I'm quite sure I couldn't live without. It was my mom who accompanied me to the hospital and was with me when I found out my baby was gone. It was my mom who stayed with me while I had my D and C. It was my mom who nursed me back to health physically and emotionally. (Devon had already started the drive back to AZ when this all happened. He was able to come back but missed out on all the hospital time.) I'm quite sure that it was a tender mercy of the Lord that my miscarriage occurred while I was at Bear Lake. I think He knew that I would need my mom to help me find my way through the first few weeks of this experience. And she continues to be the person who keeps me focused spiritually and emotionally. I couldn't do this without her.

In addition, I am surrounded by a multitude of women in my ward who I view as angels. I have the great blessing of learning from other women who have suffered, who have grieved, who have ultimately allowed their experiences to mold them into disciples of Christ. I desire to be like them. I desire to have the love of the Savior stamped on my face, and in my words, and in my life. I desire to have this whole horrible, gut-wrenching experience make me into the person I'm meant to be. I desire to someday be an angel for someone else as they learn from my trial. Of course I still desire first and foremost to be a mother again. I ache for the baby that I know is meant for this family. But I know that my will is not the Father's will. I know that He will show me what is best. I know that He can make me the best person I can be if I will follow Him and trust in His plan through this storm. I know it will pass. I know this valley will lead to higher mountains than I have experienced before if I can just be patient. Patience is not one of my virtues. I guess it will have to be now.