My most recent struggle is with understanding why some people get what they pray for and some people don’t. My friend (you know who you are and that I love you) has recently had the things she has been fretting over and praying for fall right into her lap in a miraculous way in two months’ time. What makes her desires more needful than mine? Why does she get a miracle and I don’t? My friend’s experience has built her faith in Heavenly Father’s ability to work miracles in our lives when we are living righteously. It begs the question: what am I doing wrong? While I’m sure there are lots of things I could improve on, I’m not doing anything “wrong." I’m doing all the right things. I fulfill my church calling, I try to be a good mom and wife, I try to serve others. What more can I do? The answer is nothing. There is nothing more I can do—I’ve already done everything in my power to get a baby here. There’s some reason that a baby is not meant for our family at this time.
So now I have to try to find peace in this life that I never expected. I have to learn to be faithful in the face of great difficulty. I have to believe that Heavenly Father hears my prayers and desires to answer them in the way that is best for me. But it’s hard. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
6 comments:
Jesica,
Your blog has been so inspiring to me. Thank you for sharing your feelings and trials with us. Reading about the things you're going through and the faith that you've had throughout all of this is such an example to me. It has helped me to put things in perspective and to try to be a better person.
At the same time my heart goes out to you. I am so sorry that this has to be a trial you're going through at this time. It doesn't seem fair. You are such a good mom and deserve a baby more than anyone I know!! I'm so sorry. Sometimes I wish we could see what Heavenly Father has in store for us to see why things happen the way they do. But, at the same time, I guess that wouldn't increase anyones faith or make anyone stronger.
I wish there was something more I could do. I'll pray for you.
I'm so sorry you have to go through this :(
Emily
I have a post for you :). It is the last one I did. I don't know if you saw it, but you and this very question were on my mind.
I think what we need to ask sometimes is "Why not me?" That which don't kill us is supposed to make us stronger. We struggle with this, but in the end it will al be made right. Sometimes that doesn't make it easier, but you are supposed to learn something here. You will.
I don't think that Father in Heaven makes us suffer senselessly. His Son made the ultimate sacrifice and suffered more than we will ever even comprehend, does that mean He loves Him less? I don't think so.
love you, britt
Jess,
Not Brad, it's Jenny. It was so fun to see you guys tonight at Conference.
Reading your blog has taken me back almost exactly six years. It's awful, isn't it? I meant to call or stop by when I heard you'd lost your baby, and I'm truly a bad friend. I apologize. As much as I've tried to empathize with Brittany, my own experiences with grief so closely mirror yours. I've always felt like you and I were similar in our personalities and perspectives, and reading your posts makes that seem even more true. I too felt like "live the commandments, get these blessings." But it doesn't work that way, unfortunately. The grief experienced through a miscarriage is one that is so intensely personal and immediate to the mom, and it's hard to relay that to others.
One of the greatest gifts I received from losing our daughter in 2002 was the gift of compassion. Before in life, I never really understood what it was like to suffer and grieve and sob and wish for your life to be over or different. Six years farther down that road, I can see the hand of a loving Father who allowed me to receive this gift the only way He knew how to give it to me--one of his stubborn, fiercely independent, arm-of-flesh daughters. It does get easier. It NEVER goes away.
We need to do dinner. (Or, if you want to brave lunch here at the insane asylum, call me. High-power attorneys aren't the only ones that can do lunch.)
You'll find your way through it. Just don't try to force yourself through the process before your spirit is ready.
This sounds so rambling and strange. If it is, take it from a caring friend.
Jenny
Oh Jess,
First of all, please know how much I love you.
Second, amen to the comments already posted.
Third, sometimes life sucks, which is why Dr. Pepper was made.
I think about you all of the time.
Amanda
That is an excellent question and one that I have asked many, many, many, many times. I know the Lord has a plan for all of us, but sometimes it is SO difficult to follow. Our thoughts, hearts and love are with you. These trials make us so grateful for the special spirits we do have in our home, huh? There is not a day that goes by that I don't look at Emma and recognize what a miracle she is. Who knows if more will join her...
LOVE YOU GUYS!
Amen to the Dr. Pepper, Commander!
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